Really, God? Why is this happening...

Ok, so it's been a while...
But here goes!

So this week as I've been preparing for my Sunday School lesson on suffering, I've been thinking about some things I want to share. 
Suffering is inevitable.  It's going to happen to all of us sometime.  You know why? 
Because we are alive...
On earth...
In the world... 
Made of flesh.
And, this is the thing I'm really trying to embrace - suffering is a blessing.

Hear me out. 

OK, so suffering starts by exposing a wound that MUST be dealt with (or the alternative is to live outside of Father's Way).  The wound it exposes is deep and life altering.  It makes us contemplate, question, SCREAM for answers.  It shows us that what we thought - what we live life on - might not be true.  And the suffering may initially attack physically, but it immediately moves internal, making us question our reason, our beliefs.  Ultimately, if we dig deep enough through our selfish protective coating, we realize that the question we are most afraid of asking is this:

Why would God let this happen to me?

We are scared to ask this because we are most afraid of the answer... 

It's so much safer to call our friends and tell them our version of the story, and then get their opinion and solution.  They are like us and they LIKE us so their response will probably make us feel better... but sooner or later that layer of "you don't deserve this" icing melts away and the questions consume us again...
And then there's the "busy" solution - "If I just stay busy, I won't have to think about it."
So, we dive into our schedule.  We take on projects and clean our house.  We join a bible study or volunteer.  But, eventually we just wear ourselves out and the questions are still there...
So then we might even try to avoid the questions that keep haunting us in the dark by finding a way to numb the pain.  Maybe we use chocolate or shopping or alcohol or the arms of another or _________(you fill in the blank).  But, sadly, these things only mask the pain.  And once our binge has worn off, the pain returns with a new buddy, Shame.

I've been there.  I've been assaulted by a pain I never dreamed in my worst nightmare I could ever survive.  And, when it hit me, I didn't know what to do but cry out to Jesus.  So, that's what I started to do.  The questions came like tsunami waves:

How did this happen?
How can I survive?
What about my kids?
What will people think?
How do I fix this?
What does God think?
Where is He?
Does He know about this?
Why is He letting this happen to me?

Back to the question that gets to the heart of it all - Why, God? 

This is where the blessing shows up.  It's in asking God the hard questions that He begins to show us why we are hurting.  Until we truly die to this world, we will always leave room to suffer.  Because only something living can feel the pain of suffering.

We are afraid that His response will be

YOU DESERVE IT

But, that's the thing - even though we do deserve His wrath in judgment because of the bad choices we've made, His answer to our deepest questions leads us to HIM.  And He tells us to look at who He is. 
You are worried about how you will survive this?  Look at me - I'm your Healer
You are worried about how you will make ends meet?  Look at me - I'm your Provider
You are worried about how this happened?  Look at me - I'm sovereign over all creation. 
Question after question leads us to Him!

As a believer who has experienced Him as Healer, Provider, Protector, Father, I can tell you that suffering is a blessing.  I don't usually like it; I certainly don't have all the answers!  But, I am learning that suffering's ultimate purpose is to drive my flesh farther into the grave and set my spirit free to live in Christ. 

If you are struggling with something, if you are trying to survive the pain and this seems like "pie in the sky", please understand that I KNOW what you're going though hurts and seems hopeless.  I can't promise you that the suffering will easily go away.  But, I can promise you that you are not alone.  Ask the tough questions, but be willing to listen to His answers.  The enemy wants to scare you away from God, but God is the only Way to get you through this. 

Sometimes people question how God could let those He loves suffer.
 
Romans 5:8 addresses this for me: 
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

God suffered so much through the death of His only Son.  He didn't deserve it, but He chose it because of His great love for us.  Our sufferings are for our benefit so we will stop depending on ourselves and finally truly live in Christ.

In the midst of tough days...

In the midst of tough days…”How does the life-giving Spirit of the risen Lord manifest Himself on days like that?  In our willingness to stand fast, our refusal to run away and escape into self-destructive behavior.  Resurrection power enables us to engage in the savage confrontation with untamed emotions, to accept the pain, receive it, take it on board, however acute it may be.  And in the process we discover that we are not alone, that we can stand fast in the awareness of [Jesus’] present risenness and so become fuller, deeper, richer disciples.  We know ourselves to be more than we previously imagined.  In the process we not only endure but are forced to expand the boundaries of who we think we really are.” from the book Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook last week.  I just love this because I can so relate to it and feel it!  I feel like I am in one of the darkest places I've been in a long time because my family isn't functioning as I think it should.  I grew up in a family where we were “all for one!”  Everyone (for the most part) cheered, supported, loved, and respected everyone else in the family.  It was safe and sure there.  A refuge.  I've never known this brokenness, that someone in the family – in the inner circle – would disrespect and destroy the family.  And this is so wrong.  It is not in Father’s “right” plan.  And it feels yucky and messy and sucks the life right out of you! 

First, I’m thankful that Father has allowed me to experience the type of family that He delights in.  I know lots of folks that have yet to experience that.  Divorce and all the ripples of that cause such messes in the family structure.  So, I am thankful for growing up in a healthy, holy family – one that always respected the family.  A family built on Christ as our foundation.  Now, I feel the effects of broken family.  When the boys dad left, our family (both immediate and generational) suffered a severe blow.  Part of the walls of family protection, trust, unity, and respect were blown to bits!  And, the part that hurts my heart most is that my kids lost that safe haven of family.  And the effects are vast and far reaching.

I see it in my boys, who are torn between 2 vastly different families.  Yet, they have to figure out how to not only exist but how to thrive in this mess!  And when I question and comment and generally have a bad attitude towards decisions and choices made, I am only making the strain worse.

I know that I only have control over me. 

And I know that this realization is perfectly timed.

I know that it is broken and a big hot mess.

But, I also know without a doubt that Father will restore all things – and that includes His family structure.

And my heart yearns for that day!  That will truly be heaven!!

But, in the meantime, I also know that Father requires me to shepherd this family according to His way and His plan.  Of the things I can control, I must depend on His grace to see me through.

I CHOOSE to submit to Him and stop “chipping away at the wall,” further fracturing it because I've been hurt.  He is bigger than my selfish, hurt feelings.  I choose to entrust Him with this. 

I CHOOSE to serve.  I don’t know exactly what that means and I’m a little anxious here.  But, I know He will lead me by His peace and show me exactly what I am surrendering to.  He will never shame me or abandon me and even if those who have hurt me continue to, I don’t have to give into that or even waste a second thinking about that.  The truth is that when I serve Him, I can seek and trust Him no matter the earthly consequences.  He is always faithful.

I CHOOSE to be different, to desperately seek Him, His Word and His way.  And to trust His grace to rebuild the family structure in a way only He can.  He alone has the ability to supernaturally restore what we've destroyed and to use even this brokenness to train my boys and lead them to a place of wholeness in His family.

Because bottom line is this: No family on earth can provide the perfect family.  My family was pretty close and honestly, I can’t think of another family who seems as close to perfect as mine was.  But, what I continue to learn from Father is that trusting in earthly families is just as messed up as living in broken ones!  And, if allowing my family to fracture will bring Him greater glory by our running to Him in desperation, trusting Him first for protection, provision, love, respect, mercy, safety and blessing, then I can honestly say thank you for even this.

You are worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honor and power.   For You created all things, and by Your will they exist and were created.  –Rev. 4:11

Yea, though I walk though the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me.  Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  –Ps. 23:4

Finding My Song

“The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”     -Zephaniah 3:17

One of the things I learned early on in my crazy life was this: I had lost my song and didn't even know it.  Both literally and spiritually.  I was a busy mom of 3, trying to stay on top of things, and I had begun to listen to more talk radio than music.  Please do not think I’m saying there is anything wrong with talk radio.  That’s not my point.  My point is that music took a back seat.  And, here’s why that is significant - because music ties our heart and soul to our understanding and purpose.  OK, what I mean is, music brings to life the fire in our belly for what matters to us.  Think about it.  When you were young, what music did you listen to?  And how did it make you feel?  I remember singing James Ingram love songs and dreaming of Mr. Right.  Or singing “We Are the Champions!”  at the end of a hard-fought basketball victory.  Anyone relate?

So, back to my crazy life, I had lost my song.  I had lost the heart connection to the One who was supposed to matter most to me.  And, it’s interesting.  When my world fell apart, music was what began to wake me up and help me learn how to feel again.  I started listening to Jeremy Camp’s CD, Carried Me, the Worship Project. I’m surprised I didn't wear the thing out!  I listened to it in the van as loud as it would go, singing at the top of my lungs.  Sometimes, crying through the lyrics, always picturing His healing touch.  (Note: this was only when I was by myself.  I didn't want to freak out my boys! )

The first song on the CD is I Will Trust In You, and the first verse says…

When I can't see You I know You're there
When I can't feel You I will not fear
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.
When the battle is close at hand
Though You're with me and help me stand
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.

Jeremy’s music, lyrics, and sound began to awaken my soul, to reach to the deepest part of my hurt and began to heal.  I began to realize that Father was rejoicing over me with singing.  It wasn’t really Jeremy; it was Father using his songs.  I began to hear and feel worship in a way I had never experienced it.  Before, I sang what I wanted to sing and I listened to what I wanted to listen to.  But, now, I sing in response to who He is and what He’s done for me.

Now, there is lots of great music out there.  Jeremy Camp may not have the song or voice that Father will use to heal your heart.  But, I encourage you to ask Him to lead you to the song He wants to sing over you.  Jesus came to heal our broken hearts.  He knows just what we need.

Compassion

The LORD is good to everyone, His compassion rests on all He has made.  Ps. 145:9

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been meditating on the compassion of God.  I know His compassion is holy - it’s different than anything that makes sense by this world’s standards.  The Hebrew word for compassion in Ps 145 is racham, and it is related to the Hebrew word for “womb”.  This word expresses the way a mother or father feels for a helpless child.  Now, I don’t like to think of myself as helpless, but when I really stop and think about my ability to control my world, I have to admit that helpless is a pretty good description!  I mean, it doesn't matter how many bible studies I've filled out or how many times I've “served” in the nursery, or how many family dinners we have each week - my checklists don’t guarantee a perfect life.  And, while I’m working on doing more to be acceptable, He is waiting for me to realize that I just need Him.  Not more activities or more hobbies.  The longing for something more is rooted in a deep desire to know the One who made me.

What He is showing me is that His compassion allows His children to be led astray by their selfish ambition because He knows what it will take to get their attention.  And, as the perfect parent, He knows exactly what experiences are necessary for us to recognize how desperately we need Him.

 

He promises over and over throughout scripture that when we choose anything other than Him, He will allow us to make our own choices, but there will be consequences.  And the consequences will ultimately, for His children, lead them to turn their hearts back to Him.  Look at Jacob and King David, just for starters!  These two men – one the father of Israel, the other the greatest king of Israel – both these men made some pretty bad choices and turned their backs on what they knew to be right in God’s eyes.  Yet, if you follow their stories through, you see that just as the father ran to meet the prodigal son in Jesus’ parable, Father ran to meet these two sons, too.

And, I am one of those children.  I can see that through the years, my Heavenly Father’s compassion has allowed me to wander in chaos and darkness for the purpose of making His light more bright and comforting.  His compassion is tender in that He has allowed me to see what a mess I am and has assured me that He loves me and has a plan for me anyway.  He is confirming over and over to me that there is NOTHING I can do to make myself acceptable and useful.  He is overwhelming me with His grace and mercy by showing me that HE ALONE is my only hope of restoration. 

My Father has promised that He will never leave me, and that He can bring life, hope, healing from the worst of my worst.  It’s my choice to surrender to Him and allow Him to transform me.  O what a love! 

Father, you overwhelm me with your compassion.  It doesn't make sense, yet I know it is true because I've experienced it.  Just when I think I can’t sink any deeper into darkness, You are there.  When I recognize my mess and wonder if You would really give me another chance, You are there.  You never leave, no matter what.  You are forever faithful to your promises.  So, I humbly bow before You and surrender everything I am to You.  Restore this wayward soul. 

The LORD is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His works.

The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth.  –Ps. 145:17-18

He's different

OK, here’s where I ended up yesterday, so I had to share!  In Sunday School, we are going through the Gospel Project and this week’s lesson was on the wisdom literature.  Well, let me back up a little further.  This year, Father has really had me thinking about what it means to be HOLY.  And, basically, He’s showing me that HOLY is different.  There is NOTHING that compares to Him at all.  Nothing.  He is completely and totally in a category of His own.  His love is different.  His goodness is different.  His patience is different.  His justice is different.  His forgiveness is different.  His grace is different.  And, His wisdom is different.

So, this week, I've been trying to wrap my head around what it means to fear the LORD (since Solomon says this is the beginning of wisdom!).  And I've tried to put myself in a position to see the awful terror of His wrath, which I deserve, yet at the same time the awesome grace of His love, which He has freely given me, but which cost Him everything…

So, yesterday, I’m reading Psalm 63 and am realizing that a big part of my problem is that I let other less worthy things fill me rather than seeking and waiting on Him to reveal Himself to me.  And so I asked Him to show me what He wanted me to see of Him yesterday, and I found myself in Song of Songs, chapter 4.  I did an intense study of Song of Songs a few summers ago, so I was familiar with the passage, but this is what jumped out at me and grabbed by heart:

In verse 9, the bridegroom is talking to His bride and He says, “You have stolen my heart…”  He goes on to tell her that He is enraptured by her because she has proven through all the trials that she loves Him and is keeping her eyes on Him no matter what may come.  At the beginning of the song, she speaks of being attracted to His fragrance, but now she smells like Him and He notices.

   

And, I began to understand what  Holy Spirit was telling me -when you choose Jesus and you decide to trust Him no matter what may come, you become more like Him.  And, as the trials come, they come to purify you, to test you, and to make you more beautiful.  When you choose to obey Him and trust Him, and live differently like Him, OK here it is… YOU STEAL HIS HEART!  In other words, it’s a big deal to Him and He is completely given to you.  His heart is yours.  Now, this makes me stand in awe of His love…

What kind of God would look upon a selfish sinner like me, and choose to graciously forgive me, knowing that it would cost Him His very own Son?  What kind of God would love me and offer me a place in His family when He knows my very nature is to rebel and go my own way?  What kind of God would entrust me with mothering 3 precious young men when He is so much more equipped to do that than I am? 

A holy God. 

MY holy God!

Father, I am in awe of Your love.  I don’t understand why any of this would be worth it to you.  But, I have seen and heard and felt your love in ways that are undeniable.  I know that You love me.  I know that You chose me.  I know that You have a plan for me in Your story. Thank You for opening my understanding a little bit more to wisdom.   I want to live wisely.  I want to model wisdom for my boys.  I want to smell like You.  Help me.  I need You so desperately. I can’t do this without You.  I love You!  

Morning Prayer today

I don’t even realize when I’m questioning You.  I’m that messed up, thinking that I can logically figure things out, and when it’s not going as I think it should, I question You.  First, thank you for showing me this messed up thinking.  And now, please forgive me and help me break free from this first-instinct thinking.  The only way to retrain my mind and thoughts is to meditate on Your Word.  It is life.  You tell us in the second letter that Peter wrote that You give us everything we need for life and godliness.  So, You promise to give us everything we need to physically live and to spiritually live life to the fullest.  And all throughout Scripture You show us over and over again examples of this.  You always come through with Your promises.  I don’t trust You because I don’t live off of You. 

Psalm 63 says that David thirsts for You, his body longs for You.  He realized that You were totally different than any other way of life.  He understood that the food that You provide is the only kind worth taking, and he didn’t fill up on junk food.  He fed on You and You alone. 

I want to live that way.  I want to focus on Your food, both physical and spiritual.  I want to be satisfied in Your provision, because that’s the only provision that really satisfies.  Show me where to seek You in Your Word.  Show me what I need to see of You today.  Satisfy the longing of my soul, the hunger of my heart.  Feed me, clothe me, I am Yours…

Girlfriends

(Warning: this is a long post.  Pour a hot cup of coffee before you start…)

I said in the last post that I have never doubted that my Heavenly Father is with me.  And, honestly, I can’t remember a time that I thought He left me.  Now, there were times that I wanted Him to physically pick me up and hug me, wipe away the tears and assure me that everything was going to be OK.

And, as I look back, I see that He did and still does.  It was just different than I expected.  From the very first night, He was physically with me, holding me, loving on me, helping me find my way… through my girlfriends.

So, I want to tell you about some of the precious friends He brought to me, especially in those first days when my world seemed to be completely out of control.  I am a strong person, full of life and opinion, and always heading somewhere.  But, as my perfect world, let’s say, blew up, I felt more like a fragile sparrow, not sure where to go or what to do.  I realized that I was in desperate need of forgiveness and restoration and healing.  I needed to learn how to depend on my Heavenly Father for absolutely everything.  I love how Father is already meeting our needs even before we know how to ask for it!

That very first night, when I was in shock, one sweet friend came over in the middle of the night and sat with me on my front porch for over an hour, just holding me and listening to me talk incoherently.  She loved on me and cried with me and although she couldn't change anything about my circumstances, she experienced that night with me.  And she is a part of my healing.  She is still one of my best friends today.  Our schedules are busy with 6 kids between us, so we don’t get to hang out as often as I’d like, but she will always have a special place in my heart because of that night.

Then, there are the two girlfriends who began taking me to lunch or dinner or coffee every month.  We have rarely missed a month in over 9 years now.  They are friends who studied God’s Word with me years before and Father has used these two precious sisters to help me remember that I matter.  When we get together, we talk about our families, the struggles of raising our kids and watching our parents get older.  We laugh, we cry, we eat (yes, food is always involved!)  For those moments, I can leave my world of responsibility and requirements, of “to do” lists and appointments, and I can enjoy relaxing with these two who know (almost) all of my secrets, and love me anyway!

If you know me well, you know that I hate to exercise.  I will avoid anything that looks like exercise, but wouldn't you know, Father sent 2 girlfriends to encourage me to walk with them at the gym.  So, I began meeting them 3 days a week to walk.  I had no idea that all of these girlfriends were helping me put my life back together, but they were most definitely Father’s hands and feet and voice of love and assurance that He was restoring all things. 

The list could go on, and I’m sure I’ll share more about my girlfriends later, but for now I want to end with the story of one movie night.  Two ladies from church, who I had always admired and looked up to invited me to see a movie.  So, I was going to pick them up, since they had matured past minivans and we couldn't all fit in either of their cars.  Here’s what I didn't know.  When I pulled up to the house and they started to jump in, I realized that my 3-year old had not eaten his iced sugar cookie, but smeared it all over the seat.  And, I’m not known for the cleanliness of my van anyway.  We practically live in it and eat lots of meals in it.  So, as my friend opened the van door, she was quite horrified to see how I really live!  And worse, she had to sit in the iced sugar cookie seat.  I was so embarrassed, and I frantically grabbed a wipee and began cleaning the seat, explaining my apologizes for not checking the back seat earlier.  (At this point in life, they didn't know the real me or the messiness of my life, van included!)  But, she was so kind and got in and off we went.  I remember that the movie was not at all what we expected it to be, yet it was exactly what I needed that night.  These two ladies are now a part of my weekly bible study.  I am privileged to do life with them now, and they are fully aware of what a mess I am! 

I learned a few weeks after our movie night that my friend who so graciously got in my filthy van and sat in the cookie seat is a complete neat freak!  And, I love to remember that night and laugh about what all she had to overcome to let herself not only look at that mess, but actually get into it with me.  And, this is the point of this whole post: 

True girlfriends are the ones that take the time to get into your messy lives and experience them with you.  They are the ones that laugh with you and cry with you and help you remember that you matter not just to them, but to your Heavenly Father.  They are the ones who encourage you to take care of yourself, the ones who make you eat your veggies and drink water.  They don’t change your circumstances, but they are Father’s way of showing you that He is here.  And His love will never leave you.   True girlfriends bless us by pointing us to Father in the simplest and most profound ways.

If you are living in a dark place, trying to figure out what to do, I am praying that Father will use your girlfriends to help you find your way.  If you are a girlfriend who knows someone hurting and you aren't sure how to connect.  First PRAY for them.  Then, just reach out to them.  You don’t have to know what to say to fix it.  You probably can’t do or say anything that CAN fix it.  But, you can get in the van, and who knows?  You might even find a cookie to share along the way!

Father, as I remember the girlfriends you have placed in my life, I am overwhelmed with gratitude!  You are such a loving Father who is actively involved in the lives of Your children.  Please help my sisters and brothers to know that You are working in their circumstances, too.  Help them to be the friend that You want them to be, and enable them to enjoy the friendships You have given them.  Give me the grace to be the friend that I need to be.  And, help us to always point our friends to You.