Just trying to understand...

I'm sorry that my posts are so spread out, for the two of you reading this!  I'm really trying to express what Father wants me to, with no agenda of my own.  And, so, here we are!

I have a friend really struggling with life right now.  It's just not what she thought it would be.  And, right now, she just doesn't feel anymore.  It hurts too bad to feel.  I can relate.  Some days, especially at the beginning, I just wanted to roll up in a ball in the corner of a dark room and let my heart bleed to death.  Then, I wouldn't have to feel anymore.  Because it hurt too bad.

I never once have doubted that my Heavenly Father was with me.  I just wanted to know why He would let this happen, and why He wasn't fixing it so I wouldn't hurt anymore.  I heard Francis Chan say, "We will never experience Him as Comforter until we need comfort."  I am learning that to know God, I can't just read about Him; I must experience Him.  And, that isn't always pretty and fun and appropriate for big church.  Sometimes my moments with Him are loud or sad or messy.  Sometimes the room of my soul looks more like a tornado has struck because everything is upside down and broken and dripping.  Sometimes it takes those moments with Him to get to the root of the real issue.  Like what I'm trying to hold onto instead of trusting Him.

I love this prayer I found a few years ago.

How shall I pray?

      Are tears prayers, Lord?

      Are screams prayers,

            Or  groans,

                  Or curses?

Can trembling hands be lifted to you,

      Or clenched fists,

            Or the cold sweat that trickles down my back

                  Or the cramps that knot my stomach?

Will You accept my prayers, Lord,

      My real prayers,

            Rooted in the muck and mud and rock of my life,

And not just the pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arranged bouquet of words?

Will you accept me, Lord,

      As I really am,

            Messed up mixture of glory and grime?

                                                            -Ted Leder from Guerillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle

I am learning that He wants the real me.  Because that's who He created.  That's who He loves.  That's who He came to save.  If you are tired of feeling and your heart seems hard as stone, please hear this: No matter how dead you feel right now, He can bring new life.  And He really wants to.  

Father, You know who this post is for, so please lead them to read this today.  Please take our hearts of stone and give us tender hearts to love you.  We don't want to hurt anymore.  And, even though pain is a part of feeling, let our pain be useful in pointing us to You, the One who came to set us free.

Ezekiel 36:26-28

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.  I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them.  Then you shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers; you shall be My people, and I will be your God.

Daddy's Arms

OK, so I want to share with you the beginning of my story…  The story that opened a chapter in my life that I never dreamed I would walk, that I COULD walk.  Yet, looking back I know that this was the way Father knew I needed to go in order to get my attention and let go of my perfection.

I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your earthly father.  But, if you know me very well, you know that my parents are very dear to me.  My daddy is my hero!  He has always been to me the most perfect image of a father’s love that I could ever imagine.  I have never wanted for my father to love me because I have always felt his love.  Now, I've learned over the last few years that my daddy is amazing, but my Heavenly Father never intended for me to depend on my earthly father for everything.  And, that’s exactly what I did.  Growing up, I always knew that if I needed anything, my daddy would be there to provide it or to fix it or to protect me.  He was my hero!  And, then,  I met this amazing guy and fell in love and married him.  And I fully depended on him to meet all my needs as well. 

So, here I was, living my perfect life, loving God and serving Him.  But, I had never learned to trust Him to meet my needs because my husband did that.  And if anything happened to him, then my daddy would step in and take care of things. 

It’s hard to believe it was 9 years ago, but when my perfect world was ripped out from under me, and I was in free fall, that’s when I finally fell into the arms of my Heavenly Father and began to really understand what I was missing in relationship with Him because I had never really needed Him.

After the shock of the news I received, I began to cry out to my family and to my Heavenly Father.  I had talked to my parents and they got up in the middle of the night and headed to me (I lived 4 ½ hours away).  When I got out of bed the next morning, I just kept thinking, “As soon as my daddy gets here, I’ll be OK.  He will help me get through this.  He will have the answers.  Just, hurry and get here, Daddy.”  But when my parents walked through my front door and my daddy took me in his arms, I knew in that instant that He couldn't fix it.  And just as quickly, I felt my Heavenly Father’s arms wrapped around me and His still strong voice tell me, “I’m your true Daddy who will get you through this.  I’m the only One who can.  Trust me, daughter.”  And that’s when this story began…

Where to start?

So, here we go.  I have so much to tell you to catch you up, but that will take time!  For today, I want to share the story behind the title of my blog.  Have you ever wondered what you were really here for?  I mean, I’m a mother, a sister, a daughter, an accountant, a friend, a cook, a taxi driver, a cheerleader, … so many hats to wear.  And on any given day, I’m wearing 2 or 3 hats at a time!  It can get overwhelming, you know?  I would describe my average day as a river rafting trip:  I jump in the raft in the morning, and try to enjoy the white water rapid adventure, knowing that at the end of the day I’ll reach base camp.  This once scared me to death!  But, a few years ago, while reading through the book of Acts, I was struck by the passage in Acts 17, where Paul introduces the Unknown God to the people of Athens.  And, I realized my purpose!  Here’s what is says:

“God, who made the world and everything in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands.  Nor is He worshiped with men’s hands, as though He needed anything, since He gives to all life, breath, and all things. And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings,  so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us;  for in Him we live and move and have our being, as also some of your own poets have said, ‘For we are also His offspring.’ 

This is what the Holy Spirit spoke to me in these words:  “Karen, you were created just the way you are, and you live in just the place you do with the specific circumstances you face SO THAT you will seek Me and hopefully cling to me.  Because, you see, I am right here with you.  It is because of me that you have breath, that you are able to do the things you do, and I am your very being. Hang on to me each day, and I will teach you to truly live!”

I cannot express in words what this spoke to my soul…

This is what I know: the Creator of the Universe, the One who gives me every breath I take, HE has chosen me as His own.  He has a purpose for me breathing today.  And, as long as I am clinging to Him, the adventure is that much richer!  Most days I’m a little worn and sometimes bloody when I reach base camp.  But, now I live in the confidence of knowing that the day was not meaningless.  He is with me, guiding me to be the Princess He created me to be…

Father, thank you for choosing me and for giving me an opportunity to share this journey of ours with others who may feel the same way.  Teach us all how to hang on to Your hand, and give us the grace we need to let You lead in the way we should go.  

Let's begin...

Once upon a time there was a girl who thought that she would grow up to be a princess.  She made choices that she thought would keep her safe and lead her to her prince charming.  But one day, in the midst of her perfect world, she discovered that being perfect is only a fairy tale…

These are the thoughts of that girl.  The girl that has come to realize that she is a Princess and that her true Prince Charming chose her first.  It took the fairy tale shattering to realize that true perfection comes from the Eye of the Beholder. 

Over the past few months, I have felt Father leading me to start a blog, a place where I can open up about what He’s teaching me, because I know I’m not the only Princess out there!  My prayer is that you will feel the love and acceptance of Father as you glimpse into my journey.  I’m just a simple girl longing for the One who created me.  To be perfectly honest, I’m a mess!  My life is not the picture of perfection that I once thought it was.  But, as I said earlier, I am learning that I am perfect in the eyes of my Father, because of the sacrifice of His Son.

So, pour a cup of coffee, have a seat, and join me on this journey…