Just trying to understand...

I'm sorry that my posts are so spread out, for the two of you reading this!  I'm really trying to express what Father wants me to, with no agenda of my own.  And, so, here we are!

I have a friend really struggling with life right now.  It's just not what she thought it would be.  And, right now, she just doesn't feel anymore.  It hurts too bad to feel.  I can relate.  Some days, especially at the beginning, I just wanted to roll up in a ball in the corner of a dark room and let my heart bleed to death.  Then, I wouldn't have to feel anymore.  Because it hurt too bad.

I never once have doubted that my Heavenly Father was with me.  I just wanted to know why He would let this happen, and why He wasn't fixing it so I wouldn't hurt anymore.  I heard Francis Chan say, "We will never experience Him as Comforter until we need comfort."  I am learning that to know God, I can't just read about Him; I must experience Him.  And, that isn't always pretty and fun and appropriate for big church.  Sometimes my moments with Him are loud or sad or messy.  Sometimes the room of my soul looks more like a tornado has struck because everything is upside down and broken and dripping.  Sometimes it takes those moments with Him to get to the root of the real issue.  Like what I'm trying to hold onto instead of trusting Him.

I love this prayer I found a few years ago.

How shall I pray?

      Are tears prayers, Lord?

      Are screams prayers,

            Or  groans,

                  Or curses?

Can trembling hands be lifted to you,

      Or clenched fists,

            Or the cold sweat that trickles down my back

                  Or the cramps that knot my stomach?

Will You accept my prayers, Lord,

      My real prayers,

            Rooted in the muck and mud and rock of my life,

And not just the pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arranged bouquet of words?

Will you accept me, Lord,

      As I really am,

            Messed up mixture of glory and grime?

                                                            -Ted Leder from Guerillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle

I am learning that He wants the real me.  Because that's who He created.  That's who He loves.  That's who He came to save.  If you are tired of feeling and your heart seems hard as stone, please hear this: No matter how dead you feel right now, He can bring new life.  And He really wants to.  

Father, You know who this post is for, so please lead them to read this today.  Please take our hearts of stone and give us tender hearts to love you.  We don't want to hurt anymore.  And, even though pain is a part of feeling, let our pain be useful in pointing us to You, the One who came to set us free.

Ezekiel 36:26-28

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.  I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them.  Then you shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers; you shall be My people, and I will be your God.