He's different

OK, here’s where I ended up yesterday, so I had to share!  In Sunday School, we are going through the Gospel Project and this week’s lesson was on the wisdom literature.  Well, let me back up a little further.  This year, Father has really had me thinking about what it means to be HOLY.  And, basically, He’s showing me that HOLY is different.  There is NOTHING that compares to Him at all.  Nothing.  He is completely and totally in a category of His own.  His love is different.  His goodness is different.  His patience is different.  His justice is different.  His forgiveness is different.  His grace is different.  And, His wisdom is different.

So, this week, I've been trying to wrap my head around what it means to fear the LORD (since Solomon says this is the beginning of wisdom!).  And I've tried to put myself in a position to see the awful terror of His wrath, which I deserve, yet at the same time the awesome grace of His love, which He has freely given me, but which cost Him everything…

So, yesterday, I’m reading Psalm 63 and am realizing that a big part of my problem is that I let other less worthy things fill me rather than seeking and waiting on Him to reveal Himself to me.  And so I asked Him to show me what He wanted me to see of Him yesterday, and I found myself in Song of Songs, chapter 4.  I did an intense study of Song of Songs a few summers ago, so I was familiar with the passage, but this is what jumped out at me and grabbed by heart:

In verse 9, the bridegroom is talking to His bride and He says, “You have stolen my heart…”  He goes on to tell her that He is enraptured by her because she has proven through all the trials that she loves Him and is keeping her eyes on Him no matter what may come.  At the beginning of the song, she speaks of being attracted to His fragrance, but now she smells like Him and He notices.

   

And, I began to understand what  Holy Spirit was telling me -when you choose Jesus and you decide to trust Him no matter what may come, you become more like Him.  And, as the trials come, they come to purify you, to test you, and to make you more beautiful.  When you choose to obey Him and trust Him, and live differently like Him, OK here it is… YOU STEAL HIS HEART!  In other words, it’s a big deal to Him and He is completely given to you.  His heart is yours.  Now, this makes me stand in awe of His love…

What kind of God would look upon a selfish sinner like me, and choose to graciously forgive me, knowing that it would cost Him His very own Son?  What kind of God would love me and offer me a place in His family when He knows my very nature is to rebel and go my own way?  What kind of God would entrust me with mothering 3 precious young men when He is so much more equipped to do that than I am? 

A holy God. 

MY holy God!

Father, I am in awe of Your love.  I don’t understand why any of this would be worth it to you.  But, I have seen and heard and felt your love in ways that are undeniable.  I know that You love me.  I know that You chose me.  I know that You have a plan for me in Your story. Thank You for opening my understanding a little bit more to wisdom.   I want to live wisely.  I want to model wisdom for my boys.  I want to smell like You.  Help me.  I need You so desperately. I can’t do this without You.  I love You!  

Morning Prayer today

I don’t even realize when I’m questioning You.  I’m that messed up, thinking that I can logically figure things out, and when it’s not going as I think it should, I question You.  First, thank you for showing me this messed up thinking.  And now, please forgive me and help me break free from this first-instinct thinking.  The only way to retrain my mind and thoughts is to meditate on Your Word.  It is life.  You tell us in the second letter that Peter wrote that You give us everything we need for life and godliness.  So, You promise to give us everything we need to physically live and to spiritually live life to the fullest.  And all throughout Scripture You show us over and over again examples of this.  You always come through with Your promises.  I don’t trust You because I don’t live off of You. 

Psalm 63 says that David thirsts for You, his body longs for You.  He realized that You were totally different than any other way of life.  He understood that the food that You provide is the only kind worth taking, and he didn’t fill up on junk food.  He fed on You and You alone. 

I want to live that way.  I want to focus on Your food, both physical and spiritual.  I want to be satisfied in Your provision, because that’s the only provision that really satisfies.  Show me where to seek You in Your Word.  Show me what I need to see of You today.  Satisfy the longing of my soul, the hunger of my heart.  Feed me, clothe me, I am Yours…

Girlfriends

(Warning: this is a long post.  Pour a hot cup of coffee before you start…)

I said in the last post that I have never doubted that my Heavenly Father is with me.  And, honestly, I can’t remember a time that I thought He left me.  Now, there were times that I wanted Him to physically pick me up and hug me, wipe away the tears and assure me that everything was going to be OK.

And, as I look back, I see that He did and still does.  It was just different than I expected.  From the very first night, He was physically with me, holding me, loving on me, helping me find my way… through my girlfriends.

So, I want to tell you about some of the precious friends He brought to me, especially in those first days when my world seemed to be completely out of control.  I am a strong person, full of life and opinion, and always heading somewhere.  But, as my perfect world, let’s say, blew up, I felt more like a fragile sparrow, not sure where to go or what to do.  I realized that I was in desperate need of forgiveness and restoration and healing.  I needed to learn how to depend on my Heavenly Father for absolutely everything.  I love how Father is already meeting our needs even before we know how to ask for it!

That very first night, when I was in shock, one sweet friend came over in the middle of the night and sat with me on my front porch for over an hour, just holding me and listening to me talk incoherently.  She loved on me and cried with me and although she couldn't change anything about my circumstances, she experienced that night with me.  And she is a part of my healing.  She is still one of my best friends today.  Our schedules are busy with 6 kids between us, so we don’t get to hang out as often as I’d like, but she will always have a special place in my heart because of that night.

Then, there are the two girlfriends who began taking me to lunch or dinner or coffee every month.  We have rarely missed a month in over 9 years now.  They are friends who studied God’s Word with me years before and Father has used these two precious sisters to help me remember that I matter.  When we get together, we talk about our families, the struggles of raising our kids and watching our parents get older.  We laugh, we cry, we eat (yes, food is always involved!)  For those moments, I can leave my world of responsibility and requirements, of “to do” lists and appointments, and I can enjoy relaxing with these two who know (almost) all of my secrets, and love me anyway!

If you know me well, you know that I hate to exercise.  I will avoid anything that looks like exercise, but wouldn't you know, Father sent 2 girlfriends to encourage me to walk with them at the gym.  So, I began meeting them 3 days a week to walk.  I had no idea that all of these girlfriends were helping me put my life back together, but they were most definitely Father’s hands and feet and voice of love and assurance that He was restoring all things. 

The list could go on, and I’m sure I’ll share more about my girlfriends later, but for now I want to end with the story of one movie night.  Two ladies from church, who I had always admired and looked up to invited me to see a movie.  So, I was going to pick them up, since they had matured past minivans and we couldn't all fit in either of their cars.  Here’s what I didn't know.  When I pulled up to the house and they started to jump in, I realized that my 3-year old had not eaten his iced sugar cookie, but smeared it all over the seat.  And, I’m not known for the cleanliness of my van anyway.  We practically live in it and eat lots of meals in it.  So, as my friend opened the van door, she was quite horrified to see how I really live!  And worse, she had to sit in the iced sugar cookie seat.  I was so embarrassed, and I frantically grabbed a wipee and began cleaning the seat, explaining my apologizes for not checking the back seat earlier.  (At this point in life, they didn't know the real me or the messiness of my life, van included!)  But, she was so kind and got in and off we went.  I remember that the movie was not at all what we expected it to be, yet it was exactly what I needed that night.  These two ladies are now a part of my weekly bible study.  I am privileged to do life with them now, and they are fully aware of what a mess I am! 

I learned a few weeks after our movie night that my friend who so graciously got in my filthy van and sat in the cookie seat is a complete neat freak!  And, I love to remember that night and laugh about what all she had to overcome to let herself not only look at that mess, but actually get into it with me.  And, this is the point of this whole post: 

True girlfriends are the ones that take the time to get into your messy lives and experience them with you.  They are the ones that laugh with you and cry with you and help you remember that you matter not just to them, but to your Heavenly Father.  They are the ones who encourage you to take care of yourself, the ones who make you eat your veggies and drink water.  They don’t change your circumstances, but they are Father’s way of showing you that He is here.  And His love will never leave you.   True girlfriends bless us by pointing us to Father in the simplest and most profound ways.

If you are living in a dark place, trying to figure out what to do, I am praying that Father will use your girlfriends to help you find your way.  If you are a girlfriend who knows someone hurting and you aren't sure how to connect.  First PRAY for them.  Then, just reach out to them.  You don’t have to know what to say to fix it.  You probably can’t do or say anything that CAN fix it.  But, you can get in the van, and who knows?  You might even find a cookie to share along the way!

Father, as I remember the girlfriends you have placed in my life, I am overwhelmed with gratitude!  You are such a loving Father who is actively involved in the lives of Your children.  Please help my sisters and brothers to know that You are working in their circumstances, too.  Help them to be the friend that You want them to be, and enable them to enjoy the friendships You have given them.  Give me the grace to be the friend that I need to be.  And, help us to always point our friends to You.

Just trying to understand...

I'm sorry that my posts are so spread out, for the two of you reading this!  I'm really trying to express what Father wants me to, with no agenda of my own.  And, so, here we are!

I have a friend really struggling with life right now.  It's just not what she thought it would be.  And, right now, she just doesn't feel anymore.  It hurts too bad to feel.  I can relate.  Some days, especially at the beginning, I just wanted to roll up in a ball in the corner of a dark room and let my heart bleed to death.  Then, I wouldn't have to feel anymore.  Because it hurt too bad.

I never once have doubted that my Heavenly Father was with me.  I just wanted to know why He would let this happen, and why He wasn't fixing it so I wouldn't hurt anymore.  I heard Francis Chan say, "We will never experience Him as Comforter until we need comfort."  I am learning that to know God, I can't just read about Him; I must experience Him.  And, that isn't always pretty and fun and appropriate for big church.  Sometimes my moments with Him are loud or sad or messy.  Sometimes the room of my soul looks more like a tornado has struck because everything is upside down and broken and dripping.  Sometimes it takes those moments with Him to get to the root of the real issue.  Like what I'm trying to hold onto instead of trusting Him.

I love this prayer I found a few years ago.

How shall I pray?

      Are tears prayers, Lord?

      Are screams prayers,

            Or  groans,

                  Or curses?

Can trembling hands be lifted to you,

      Or clenched fists,

            Or the cold sweat that trickles down my back

                  Or the cramps that knot my stomach?

Will You accept my prayers, Lord,

      My real prayers,

            Rooted in the muck and mud and rock of my life,

And not just the pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arranged bouquet of words?

Will you accept me, Lord,

      As I really am,

            Messed up mixture of glory and grime?

                                                            -Ted Leder from Guerillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle

I am learning that He wants the real me.  Because that's who He created.  That's who He loves.  That's who He came to save.  If you are tired of feeling and your heart seems hard as stone, please hear this: No matter how dead you feel right now, He can bring new life.  And He really wants to.  

Father, You know who this post is for, so please lead them to read this today.  Please take our hearts of stone and give us tender hearts to love you.  We don't want to hurt anymore.  And, even though pain is a part of feeling, let our pain be useful in pointing us to You, the One who came to set us free.

Ezekiel 36:26-28

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.  I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them.  Then you shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers; you shall be My people, and I will be your God.

Daddy's Arms

OK, so I want to share with you the beginning of my story…  The story that opened a chapter in my life that I never dreamed I would walk, that I COULD walk.  Yet, looking back I know that this was the way Father knew I needed to go in order to get my attention and let go of my perfection.

I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your earthly father.  But, if you know me very well, you know that my parents are very dear to me.  My daddy is my hero!  He has always been to me the most perfect image of a father’s love that I could ever imagine.  I have never wanted for my father to love me because I have always felt his love.  Now, I've learned over the last few years that my daddy is amazing, but my Heavenly Father never intended for me to depend on my earthly father for everything.  And, that’s exactly what I did.  Growing up, I always knew that if I needed anything, my daddy would be there to provide it or to fix it or to protect me.  He was my hero!  And, then,  I met this amazing guy and fell in love and married him.  And I fully depended on him to meet all my needs as well. 

So, here I was, living my perfect life, loving God and serving Him.  But, I had never learned to trust Him to meet my needs because my husband did that.  And if anything happened to him, then my daddy would step in and take care of things. 

It’s hard to believe it was 9 years ago, but when my perfect world was ripped out from under me, and I was in free fall, that’s when I finally fell into the arms of my Heavenly Father and began to really understand what I was missing in relationship with Him because I had never really needed Him.

After the shock of the news I received, I began to cry out to my family and to my Heavenly Father.  I had talked to my parents and they got up in the middle of the night and headed to me (I lived 4 ½ hours away).  When I got out of bed the next morning, I just kept thinking, “As soon as my daddy gets here, I’ll be OK.  He will help me get through this.  He will have the answers.  Just, hurry and get here, Daddy.”  But when my parents walked through my front door and my daddy took me in his arms, I knew in that instant that He couldn't fix it.  And just as quickly, I felt my Heavenly Father’s arms wrapped around me and His still strong voice tell me, “I’m your true Daddy who will get you through this.  I’m the only One who can.  Trust me, daughter.”  And that’s when this story began…

Where to start?

So, here we go.  I have so much to tell you to catch you up, but that will take time!  For today, I want to share the story behind the title of my blog.  Have you ever wondered what you were really here for?  I mean, I’m a mother, a sister, a daughter, an accountant, a friend, a cook, a taxi driver, a cheerleader, … so many hats to wear.  And on any given day, I’m wearing 2 or 3 hats at a time!  It can get overwhelming, you know?  I would describe my average day as a river rafting trip:  I jump in the raft in the morning, and try to enjoy the white water rapid adventure, knowing that at the end of the day I’ll reach base camp.  This once scared me to death!  But, a few years ago, while reading through the book of Acts, I was struck by the passage in Acts 17, where Paul introduces the Unknown God to the people of Athens.  And, I realized my purpose!  Here’s what is says:

“God, who made the world and everything in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands.  Nor is He worshiped with men’s hands, as though He needed anything, since He gives to all life, breath, and all things. And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings,  so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us;  for in Him we live and move and have our being, as also some of your own poets have said, ‘For we are also His offspring.’ 

This is what the Holy Spirit spoke to me in these words:  “Karen, you were created just the way you are, and you live in just the place you do with the specific circumstances you face SO THAT you will seek Me and hopefully cling to me.  Because, you see, I am right here with you.  It is because of me that you have breath, that you are able to do the things you do, and I am your very being. Hang on to me each day, and I will teach you to truly live!”

I cannot express in words what this spoke to my soul…

This is what I know: the Creator of the Universe, the One who gives me every breath I take, HE has chosen me as His own.  He has a purpose for me breathing today.  And, as long as I am clinging to Him, the adventure is that much richer!  Most days I’m a little worn and sometimes bloody when I reach base camp.  But, now I live in the confidence of knowing that the day was not meaningless.  He is with me, guiding me to be the Princess He created me to be…

Father, thank you for choosing me and for giving me an opportunity to share this journey of ours with others who may feel the same way.  Teach us all how to hang on to Your hand, and give us the grace we need to let You lead in the way we should go.  

Let's begin...

Once upon a time there was a girl who thought that she would grow up to be a princess.  She made choices that she thought would keep her safe and lead her to her prince charming.  But one day, in the midst of her perfect world, she discovered that being perfect is only a fairy tale…

These are the thoughts of that girl.  The girl that has come to realize that she is a Princess and that her true Prince Charming chose her first.  It took the fairy tale shattering to realize that true perfection comes from the Eye of the Beholder. 

Over the past few months, I have felt Father leading me to start a blog, a place where I can open up about what He’s teaching me, because I know I’m not the only Princess out there!  My prayer is that you will feel the love and acceptance of Father as you glimpse into my journey.  I’m just a simple girl longing for the One who created me.  To be perfectly honest, I’m a mess!  My life is not the picture of perfection that I once thought it was.  But, as I said earlier, I am learning that I am perfect in the eyes of my Father, because of the sacrifice of His Son.

So, pour a cup of coffee, have a seat, and join me on this journey…